"But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"
- Relient K
Little did I know that I would find an album that I could listen to from beginning to end without stopping or skipping. The album "mmhmm" from Relient K. I had heard previous albums from the band and really liked their Christmas EP they released with the previous album. I listened to each of the songs on the album and I really dug what I was hearing.
This album was probably the first "Christian" album to sound anything like what was on the radio. Sure there were other artists out there, but for some reason this one just really hit all the criteria for a great "Christian" album that I didn't even know I needed in my life. The album was SO good. The band went on Warped Tour, toured with Good Charlotte & Simple Plan. They were legit! I mean come on!! How often did Christian artists tour with Warped tour?!
Anyway.
Little did I know that this album would be one that affected me. All the songs resonated with me. Like EVERY one of the 13 songs. It became what I've dubbed as my "life album" I identified with Matt Thiessen and the boys. Each song from track 1 to track 14 spoke to me!
Fifteen years later AND every time I've had a down day or just needed a little "pick me up" I throw this CD in or stream it on Spotify. I even own an original pressing on vinyl (from 2005). Heck I even have a playlist on Spotify called "Who I am hates Who I've been" - one of the song titles from the album; mixed with a few other songs/bands.
Like I stated, every song has a special meaning to me. Its hard to pinpoint a certain favorite song, but if I had to pick one (it's not even a close race) would have to be track two; Be my Escape. This song has a line in it that sticks out (I've already quoted it a the top of this blog); "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair". Like "DAAAANGGGGG" that hits home! It hits hard.
The song; written by the bands lead Matt Thiessen, is a plea for an "escape" from past mistakes he'd made.
Here are the full lyrics, if you've never heard the song or read the lyrics
"I've given up on giving up slowly,
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.
I'm giving up on doing this alone now
'Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
'Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing
Where to go, promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.
I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were you
So were you"
Like WOW. I can't even explain how this song has been "my song" since 2004 when I first heard it. I've quoted that line, I painted a canvas that hangs on my living room wall I look at EVERY day, I've written it and used it so many times.
This past year has been a tough one for me. So many negatives have come my way. Rumors, gossip, car problems, petty "Friends"/coworkers. I've had to deal with personal doubts and fears. This year has not been all bad though. There have been a lot of good things too (new position at work, new car, new apartment, etc). I don't want people to think or assume that it's only been negatives. I did let others cause me to feel certain ways about them. I formed opinions that were not okay. I let my personal opinion affect relationships and how I viewed people. I forgot that they were people in need of grace too. How could I be the only one?
Even on the days when I had coworkers talking trash about me behind my back to make themselves feel better, but really they just needed to extend the grace that was extended to me and from me. I'm not special, neither are they. We are all people in need of God's grace. That's the beauty of grace. It's not fair. It looks different for every person. The grace that is extended to me will look different than someone else.
Some days it felt like 2019 was just a solid year of "why me" or "again?!" and other negative thoughts. I've let my past scare me, I've let insecurities rule my day/week.
Some days it felt like 2019 was just a solid year of "why me" or "again?!" and other negative thoughts. I've let my past scare me, I've let insecurities rule my day/week.
"I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity"
I didn't like who I was in these moments. But I simply reminded myself that I am not a victim of my circumstances. I have to rise above. I have to look to the one who gives me strength; the one who shows me GRACE that I do not always deserve.
With all that this year has brought, both negatives and positives I wanted to end this year on a high note. I've listened to this album countless times over the last twelve months. I've listened to "Be My Escape" who knows how many times. It's easily one of the top songs I've listened to this year and its FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. This song came out 15 years ago when I was just 21. I never knew that it would still be my jam.
So why this blog?
Why would I type all this out to talk about a song that's 15 years old?
Why would I share about why this song is so special?
One simple answer. I have to show the world my newest form of expression....
Sure I've written it out, I've sang it, I've quoted it, I painted it.
What's next?....
I'm sure that my parents wont be too happy but I wanted a permanent reminder that the beauty of grace is that it makes like not fair. Another song, another tattoo. Of course.
To me, tattoos really should speak to who you are and remind you of something or someone special, a special place or a time.The song is just another something special in my life. It's a physical, visible, daily reminder that grace isn't fair, life isn't fair and that it's okay that it's not.
This flower is the mmhmm album cover. It's not just because I love that song or that flower BUT because I love this album. The flower reminds me of grace, reminds me of when I'm not happy about where I am, I can remember that I've come so far. That I am better than I sometimes think I am. I am more than useless; even when others may think I am. I am a poster child for undeserving grace.
2020 is here.
So my word for the year is: GRACE
THE BEAUTY OF GRACE IS THAT IT MAKES LIFE NOT FAIR...
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